It seems as if everything I once believed in, is now just a burst bubble. I was having a conversation with my mother today about being true to one's self. It's amazing how much that has changed over time. I wanted to scream into the receiver- who I am now is not who you want me to be, and I'm okay with that. What I believe is not what she would hope. I just couldn't verbalize to her what I know would disappoint or devastate her. I am no longer naive enough to trust that even she won't let me down. That's just not the way life works. We are human and we fail sometimes. What I consider failure may differ from what you consider failure. We all have to live our own lives.
In searching my inner most thoughts, I've discovered some truths:
1) I am alone in almost every aspect of my life. I don't have someone waiting for me when I get home to make sure I walk in the door. I don't have someone to assist daily with parenting my sons. I don't have someone I can tell everything to. I don't have someone to share meals with that isn't dependent on me to feed them. I don't have someone to hold me after a bad day or love me for who I am. I don't need people as much as I once did. I am really alone. Part of me is okay with this. I've loved and lost very painfully, and I don't miss that hurt. The other part of me, though, is very lonely. I don't get to look forward to a future shared with someone. I will most likely die alone. I don't think I'm capable of ever believing in love again. It's because of this jaded view that I have settled for less. I've been willing to be the exact person I would judge the most. Why? Maybe because I feel I deserve it after making bad decisions. Maybe because it's easier than having to really care and risk getting hurt. Maybe it's because I know expecting someone to love me now is asking too much. Whatever the answer- I am alone.
2) I am tired of life the way it is. I am tired of every facet being a struggle. I am tired of taking a step forward only to be trompled and thrown back. I am really struggling with understanding why it is that some people get everything without any effort and then others of us have to struggle to survive. It's exhausting and I have to fight not becoming any more bitter than I see that I already am.
3) I am not the person I dreamed I would be. Once upon a time, I was this positive, naive, bouncy little creature. I thought everything would be peaceful and harmonic and all would be good with the world. I waited on everyone and I did everything to make people happy with me. I couldn't stand for anyone to be disappointed in me. I saw my future as a happily married mother, baking cookies, and helping with homework. I felt it was my duty to tolerate being mistreated by my husband, because that would be the "Godly" thing to do. You know, submission to the supreme being known as "man." If I prayed hard enough, things would change, I thought. If I didn't drink or cuss, things would go well. If I gave the church money, I wouldn't struggle financially. If I went to church every chance I got, joined every Bible Study and prayer group that I could fit into my schedule, and still spent time watching ministers on TV, somehow I could earn a better life. For 15 of my adult years I tried this. Nothing got better, though, only worse. On top of it, I faced new persecutions in the name of the Lord. It took several years to allow myself to get out of a horrible, abusive relationship. It's taken several more to adjust to the new hardships of being alone. I'm still in the process of dealing with all the anger I have because life hasn't turned out how I expected.
4) I am not sure how I feel about God right now. I have enough brainwashed guilt to keep me from saying I don't believe in Him, but enough bitterness to say I don't understand Him. God is love the Bible says, yet it seems that I have everything but that. It seems as though believers show everything but that. Even now, as I'm typing how I really feel, I am fearing a repercussion for even stating such thoughts. I can't help it, it's how I was raised. Punishment, doom, gloom, and destruction are the effects of such thoughts. On the flip side, fully believing doesn't seem to have any brighter an outcome. Instead it's full of testing and perseverance building experiences. Struggle after struggle after struggle and you still may never get to the Promised Land. Where's the love in that? Yet, I also have to admit there have been moments where I know it was divine intervention that either protected me or someone I loved. It was divine intervention that caused my ex not to see me hiding from him just a few feet away in plain sight. I believe it was divine intervention that saved my life that night.
5) I am really tired of people who don't keep their word. One's word is all they have. Integrity means everything. Don't say something unless you mean it. Don't lead me to believe something if you have no intentions of fulfilling it. Don't make promises you can't or won't keep. I don't have the luxury of depending on someone's word, only to be let down, without it having negative consequences. If you say it, I believe you and I depend on you. You don't owe me anything, but if you promise me something, I expect you to keep your word. Otherwise, don't even say it.
Being real, being honest, being open, is frightful at best. I have been all of that tonight. Don't judge me for stating my own personal truths. Don't expect me to change them to suit you, either. I am being true to myself, who I am, at this very moment.
Still Life with a Hundred Crucifixions
11 months ago