IDA- or Internet Daters Anonymous

Sometimes life allows us to learn a lesson more than once. This would fall in the category of Internet Dating for me. With my divorce behind me, I decided to check out a popular dating website under the advisement of one of my ex-husbands. Now, that should have been my first clue, let alone I had no luck with it 3 years ago when I tried it. Anyhow, my curiosity was peaked to check out how my ex was selling himself on the site, but in order to do so I had to create my own profile. So, after doing so, I began to receive notices of interested men. Most over the age of 52, but some closer to my own.
One, in particular I decided to give a chance to, because he noticed and liked my profile before I posted my photo on it. So, we began to e-mail, and eventually talk on the phone. He seemed nice enough, and after several hours of phone conversation, he asked if he could take me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. I agreed, not sure how it would be, but a bit excited. I allowed him to come pick me up, for which my girlfriends cringed. I know this wasn't the brightest idea, but I tend to lose my personal wisdom when I get into these situations.
So, he came down last Saturday and picked me up around 2pm, and we headed out to Christmas shop for my kids and his nephews. After battling through long lines struggling to different stores to find the one item I needed, I succeeded at finishing shopping and we headed to my house to drop the items off before dinner. On the way through a nearby movie theater parking lot, this particular male thought it would be a great idea to take off across the ice in his little truck and do donuts. Now, I get car sick, and I haven't done donuts since high school. I grabbed the "Oh Crap" handles in the truck and though to myself, "What the $%#*?" He's spinning us around at top speed, hitting intermediate dry spots, and heading for posts. When he looks at me, I say nothing. He said, "Most people that terrifies." I said, "I have kids for that." So, we drove on home, me shaking my head in disbelief at what had just occurred on our first date.
So, we head to dinner, and he ordered a Jack and Coke to get started and I ordered tea. He ordered soup and I ordered salad and we split fried raviolis. I was sitting with my hands down in my lap between bites, straight up, and trying to be polite. He, on the other hand, had his elbows on the table and getting to the bottom of the soup, picked the bowl up to drink every last drop from it. He began to comment on how I was sitting there so proper. He also began talking about how he never thought he'd find someone online like me, and how, if I am who he thinks I am, we'd be a great fit. He babbled on about how he's enjoyed our phone conversations- which had been funny and enjoyable to me at times. I nodded and continued eating.
He ordered a second Jack and Coke and informed me not to worry and that he could still drive, as it doesn't affect him much. He also mentioned the lack of alcohol in my home, and how his looks like a bar when you walk in because he has such a variety on hand. I take a mental note of this, as alcohol and men in my life have never mixed well.
We had a conversation on ballroom dancing earlier in the day, for which he had taken a few lessons in the past, and wanted us to sign up to do this on a regular basis every Friday. This went along with his trying to give me a hands on lesson in waltzing that was awkward, at best. After he sought out our waitress and I ordered dessert, we finished up and headed to the movies. When we walked in the door of the movie theater, I noticed a friend I've known for a long time standing there. I say hello, almost relieved to see a friendly face. In the meantime, my date decided I need to be led off to our seats. After walking down the hall toward our designated theater, he grabs me by the hands and tries to make me practice waltzing again right in front of other movie-goers in the hallway. I stop him, giggle nervously, and walk in the direction of our movie. "You don't embarrass easily, do you?" he asked. I didn't comment.
Through out the evening I talked about my life, my kids, and my world. He listened and asked questions, followed by presumptuous comments about, "I would be a little nervous to watch them alone." "I wouldn't do that," I said back, although I know he didn't understand that he didn't have a chance of being left alone with my kids ever. We watched a movie that I picked upon his request that I pick one, and he commented on how he didn't like it at all and next time he got to pick the movie. I shook my head and shrugged.
After the movie, we headed to my home. He drove crazy the whole way, backing out uncontrollably of parking spots, and speeding down the road. When we got home, we went in to talk and watch "Shall We Dance," a distraction, I figured. While we were sitting there, he looked at my Christmas tree, for which I only had lights on due to my dogs, and commented on how it needed an angel. He went on to say how it could be "our" new tradition to have the angel on the top of the tree, and maybe my son could put it on this year. Then, he decided that he should be the one to put the angel on my tree to start a future with me. Now, inside, my mind was rolling on a hundred miles a minute at how this man was assuming he was going to be in my life permanently, and just the idea of him planning anything for me and for traditions for my family made me draw back and my heart race with fear.
He went on to say how he was going to build a house in two years, but that it would only be in his name, and the lady in his life would have her own finances and no part of the house. (This, too, sounding like a previous life experience with my first ex.) He went on to reveal how, though divorced, he has never lived with a woman ever. Apparently he got married to a 17-year old when he was 23, and he joined the military and was sent off to Germany before they even got to stay together. She divorced him while he was out of the country. The only other woman he had had in his life was a co-worker last year. He revealed his lack of a sex life, and went on to comment about maybe someday he would break his streak. Now, I don't like hurting people's feelings, so I just sat there without commenting, and feeling uncomfortable.
Before he went back to his home, he wanted to run by a store, so I went with him. He wanted to look for the angel, and even commented on how the ones he saw were not going to be it, as he didn't like them. I was dumbfounded that he was stating what kind of angel would be on MY tree. This was not going over well for me! As we pulled up in my driveway, he noticed my house, and was asking about things. I commented on repairs I needed to do, and he stated that he could do them for me with tools he had- another presumption that he was going to be around. I reluctantly pecked him and got out of the car to enter the safety of my home relieved.
My friend called to ask how it went, and I began to tell her some of the experiences of the date, for which she laughed. In the meantime, he texted me that he wanted to go out again sometime. I got online to check my e-mail, and apparently he was online spying on me, because he called to say that I was online right then checking out other guys according to the dating website we met on. The funny thing was, I wasn't, but the site registered my e-mail address to send a notification of when I was signed in to that particular browser, not just the website. I stated I wasn't and he began to argue with me that it said I was. This sent major red flags up for me.
My friend informed me that I needed an intervention for which I laughed and said we could start "IDA- Internet Dating Anonymous"- a 12 step program to getting over internet dating with safety rules to follow and an agreement that my girlfriend get to screen any profiles first, if I even decided to ever try it again! I still have about 3 men relentlessly trying to connect with me- the oldest being a 56-year-old local college professor. Oye Vay!!

Expendable body parts...

Do you ever wonder why we need certain body parts that seem to be expendable in the long run? Like tonsils, adenoids, gall bladders, and appendixes. Now, I've had my appendix removed long ago, but my tonsils and adenoids are still there. Tonight my left tonsil is swollen and red and sore. My sinus cavities are burning, and I really want to just rid myself of eardrums, tonsils, and nasal passages. I have spent two weeks fighting off one cold or another, even though I've been exercising and taking vitamins. Last night, I was feeling great. This morning, I woke up feeling like my throat was ten times its size on the left, my ear aching, and I have no relief from the constant pain it is causing. It makes me wonder why it is we have tonsils? What do they do exactly that can't be done without them? I have tried hot beverages for relief, and salt solutions. Nothing is taming the fire! Even worse, I can't cry and have someone come take care of it!! I'm mom after all, and I take care of everyone else. So, in my discomfort, I've laid on the couch pondering the reason for having such parts. They seem to cause misery when things go wrong with them, but when they're gone we can go on without them. (Hmmmm...sounds like my ex-husbands.) Maybe their purpose is to teach us life lessons? ;)

Ode to My Flannel PJ's

Flannel PJ's, I love you so.
You keep me warm, whether rain or snow.
You are so cute with your coffee cup decor.
I don't care what the neighbors think when I answer the door.
Please never wear out, PJ's, or fray.
For that would be the saddest day.
I love you, Flannel PJ's, yes I do.
Forget sexy lace, it's to you I'm true.

In My Pocket

There's a song out that I love. It's by Sam Sparro, and it's called "Pocket." You really have to listen to it. It's basically based on the old saying about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Well, that's what I'm doing, but I have a suspicion that it's being done to me, too. I'm talking about my ex-husband and I. You see, I'm being very nice and cooperative with him right now, and well, he bought us a treadmill for no reason. I suspect that he did this because child support is coming up for review and he wants to tell the judge he did this kind gesture instead of taking his kids out one night a week for the past three years, or spending his 3 weeks of possible vacation time annually with them actually with them. I suspect that the fact that he has a new job, isn't paying maintenance, and doesn't have to pay for any of the over-the-counter medicines my kids daily need but insurance won't cover, is making him nervous about the 3-year review of our case. Knowing how his mind works, I suspect he thinks he can now buy himself out of more support. I, on the other hand, see this donation to us as a gift. He opted to give us a nice gift right before Christmas. After all, we can't eat or wear the treadmill. So, when we're hungry and naked walking on it, he thinks he's a hero. Funny, I didn't see that as an option on the child support form. I wonder if the judge will? Anyhow, for now, I'm being kind to my enemy, so that creates less stress in my world. After all, I know what will be hitting the fan soon enough, and how difficult that time is going to be. So, I'll catch my breath, enjoy the peace, and know deep down I don't trust him anymore today than I did the day I divorced him.

Here's to Girlfriends!!!!!

Last night I got to experience the joy of being surrounded by wonderful friends!! I must say I was amazed at the strength these women have in life!! I feel so blessed that God has allowed me to come across such amazing women!! Each one of us is facing our own battles- whether physical, emotional, financial, or any and all of these. Yet, each day we get up, we get ready for the day, and we live our lives as best we can. There are those good days, where it seems we can conquer the world. There are also those days that- well, let's just say, our not so finest moments surface and we need a friend to rely on. Last night, I saw those friends before me. I saw strength at its finest and courage in action. Most of all, I felt love!! I am so lucky to have my girlfriends in my life!! Thank you, girls!! I love ya!!

Mother May I?

Okay- so I feel like I'm in a Teenage After School Special. You know the one where the boy wants to come over, and he tells you he loves you, and then that he will always have a special place for you in his heart. This followed by, well- you know- and then, "I want to be friends," and, "I need to call my Mom back. She's worried about me. I didn't tell her I'd be gone very long. She's afraid I'm going to do something to hurt myself." The only difference is- we're talking about adults in their 30's. Even more so- adults who made a committment to each other in marriage.
It's so hard for me to fathom the maturity of a 14-year-old in a 30-year-old body of a man. I can't understand coming home to my mother having dinner on the table for me, and telling me she'd wash my sheets if I wanted. I can't imagine having her feel my head for a fever when I'm sick, and making me drink chicken broth all day. I can't imagine not paying any bills, or taking any resposibility for my life. I can't fathom believing that if you tell your wife you'll always love her and she can call you anytime, and that you find her incredibly hot and will always be attracted to her, and that you're so sorry you're more committed to "Mary Jane" than you are to her, that you would actually believe she'd fall for it, and even more so want to spend even more of her precious time wasted on you. This isn't even to mention the three children she has that also loved and trusted you.
I find it hard to believe that June Cleaver would open her door back up with a smile to a 30-year-old Beave standing on her doorstep, smelling of a sweet odor and explaining that his marriage was over and he was moving in, again. I can't imagine her baking him a pie and asking if she could get him a cold drink. No- she and Ward would be so happy they have their home to themselves to do as they please after the boys left, that going back wouldn't be an option. She would've had enough of washing his clothes, ironing his shirts, fixing his every meal, and putting up with his friends, that she would be ready for a life of freedom. She would've hung up her heels and put on some Keds. She would be out traveling the country and moving on with her life. The life that comes after you've raised your kids. The love that comes from a long happy marriage. The fun that comes with an empty house.
I have three sons. Heaven knows, I love them with all of my heart. I live for them- and one day I will enjoy my time watching them grow and have families. I never want to keep them at any one age, because it's so exciting to me to see them learn and change, and blow my mind with their profound wisdom. I look forward to them becoming amazing men- maybe even husbands and fathers (I hope). When that time comes though, there won't be any moving home because, "I did something illegal and my wife made me leave." There won't be any paying of their bills for them because they don't want to be responsible. I'm not saying I won't help them out in a hard time if they need me and I have the means. I'm saying I will hold them accountable and responsible for themselves. If they commit to a woman and have children- or step-children, I will expect them to be honest and upright. I will expect them to take every action into consideration before doing it, as the world doesn't revolve around them. I will want them to be happy, don't get me wrong, and if someone is treating them badly, I don't want them to tolerate it. Yet, I also expect their actions to be right. I expect them to have standards for themselves that are respectful both of themselves and others on every plane: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There comes a time to grow up, and 30 isn't too young for that. Right, June?

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

The answer is simple....lots of friends and alcohol!! I find myself facing my second divorce in three years- yikes...is this what Liz feels like? Although, if Liz has had my luck with men, I totally understand her track record. No one said it would be easy, but hey, why are some of us more prone than others to lose? The funny part is, my ex-husband number one is being so nice right now, it's scary! Never trust a nice ex-husband! It can only mean one thing....you know what I mean! Not interested!! My friends know to hand me a martini and offer me a place to stay so I don't drive and my kids can relax and play.
The kids, they are the ones I feel for. They, like me, trusted the soon-to-be ex. They are everything from confused, to angry, to just downright hurt. Their biological father is being kind to them. He called them and talked longer than he ever has to them, and now he is their hero. "Dad's really changed," one said to me. I silently nodded, not wanting to cause him any more disappointment in a man than he's had lately. "Dad's gonna get us haircuts and clothes next week." "Wow," I thought, "shouldn't he anyway?" Instead, I stay silent and nod. Why? I do it because it's for them. I can't bear to see them hurt and sad. No matter how I feel inside- I can't stand their hearts breaking, too. I bear a guilt of all I've put them through in the name of finding "love." If such a thing exists for me- I don't see it! I feel like I have no right to expect them to ever open their hearts to another man. Surely being alone for the next nine years for them isn't too much to pay to let them have peace. They didn't ask for all of this. They simply trusted my decisions, and those decisions have led us, again, to heartbreak.
So, what do I do for them? I fill their days with routines and people that they can be happy with- friends that love us, fun they don't expect, and as much "normalcy" as possible. When the end of the day comes, and I tuck them into bed and kiss them goodnight and tell them how proud I am of them, and they respond back, "I love you, Mom,"- I know I've made the right decision for them. No matter if I cry myself to sleep, and wake up at the time his alarm used to go off, or whether my big bed feels too big for me- I know deep down inside, beyond the pain and guilt I'm feeling, that I've done the right thing for them, because I do love them more than anything in this world.

Top 5 Signs you have ADHD...

#5) When you go to make your bed, you find yourself wandering through the living room clapping to a song in your head instead.
#4) You go to use the bathroom during breakfast, and forget to come back and eat.
#3) When you go to brush your teeth, you turn on the water and zone out for 15 minutes or so because the sound of running water is so relaxing.
#2) You think the song "Greasy Grimey Gopher Guts" is absolutely hilarious at 6:30 AM.
And the top one:
#1) You are completely dressed and ready to leave for the day before someone points out to you that your pants are on backwards.

(Hope you have a great first day of school, C. I love ya!!)

To anyone else, if you notice any of these signs, seek immediate help!! Your boss may not think your backwards pants are so funny!!

A Tribute to Breast Cancer Survivors, Fighters, and Victims

Today is the local Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Last year my oldest son and I signed up together to do this race. We raised funds and we met early in the morning with thousand of other supporters and survivors to walk, run, and support each other for a great cause. This year personal circumstances were different, and my son and I couldn't join the thousands in person, but I find myself thinking about them. There are so many men and women who have conquered Breast Cancer both locally and world-wide. There are those of us who have lost loved ones to the disease, and those of us who have known someone who have lost someone. Today I give tribute to all of them. To those battling Breast Cancer or any kind of cancer- you are so brave!! Don't give up!! You are loved and you are a much needed part of the world!! To those who find themselves helplessly standing by that special someone- all we can do is show our love and do our best to do our part to help find a cure!! To those whom we have lost- you will never be forgotten!! You are the reason we keep going, searching for a cure, and marching on!! We love you!!
Today, celebrate life- hug your family and friends!! Enjoy every moment you have!! Take the steps to keep yourself healthy!! Schedule your annual check-up you've been putting off- your loved ones will thank you!! Find a way to make a difference in the world, and know that you're not doing it alone!!