This is only the second Valentine's Day in 19 years that I have spent alone without someone to send silly intimate messages to, go to dinner with, get flowers from, and snuggle up to at night. Both of them being the February after my December divorces. The difference this year is that I woke up this morning to my dog Harry being super silly and making me smile first thing, knowing the day was mine to do whatever I wanted, and saying to myself this year I am going to be my own Valentine. All the love I would want from someone else today, I decided to give to myself. I made myself coffee with a favorite creamer in it, turned on the iTunes I love the most, stayed in my PJ's and did laundry, checked out FB, chatted with a few friends, received a Valentine's wish from someone close in the same boat (no not an ex), played on the floor with the dogs, took a nap, and made myself a whole tray of my favorite addictive candy right now- candied pecans which I intend to eat while reading a book tonight. It's amazing how peaceful my day has been. I feel content.
No- there were no flower deliveries like there were for others at work. No- there were no chocolates. No- I didn't get any Valentines in the mail. Yet, I realized the biggest loves of my life, who were having a weekend with their father (and I'm okay with that), are the heart of me. Even more I need to be the heart of me! I need to make for myself what I would want them to make for themselves. It doesn't take someone else to make me special. I already am. Not that I don't need friends or relationships that are close, but I don't have to have a significant other.
It's funny, I heard from my ex-husband twice today. He stood up for me with my sons yesterday after a really bad day with them, and he kept his word and gave me the paperwork I need to renegotiate child support. He didn't try to pull me into getting back with him, but he told me about who he is dating. He let me know he wants to help out more financially here for the boys. He offered to write me a check Sunday until we get all of the terms negotiated with support. He is going to take our son to baseball practice for at least the next month, and hopefully after, if they start late enough for him to get up here. It made me happy to see that maybe he was going to be there more for the boys. He spent today with our sons and his parents instead of leaving the boys home alone and going out for the first time in months. This was the best gift to me to know my boys weren't left alone again while there. It brought me peace that I could enjoy my downtime this weekend. After all of this, I realized I was relieved to have my freedom. I was happy that my relationship with him could be on a different level than significant other, and focus on the boys.
I've thought of the past year, and all the difficulties, and was thankful that some of those difficulties were no longer my worry. I get to focus on how I want my household to run, where I want to go professionally and educationally without someone else's input, I can do kind and charitable things if I want to, and I can reconnect with old friends and laugh at moments that still are funny when recalled. I've stopped searching for love, and have instead sought the love of those I already have in my world. I can celebrate that my dearest friends do have that amazing kind of love to share with someone special. I know how important they and their significant others are to me, and how much I love them!! So I say, "Happy Valentine's Day," to them and to myself!!
Still Life with a Hundred Crucifixions
11 months ago