Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Mother May I?

Okay- so I feel like I'm in a Teenage After School Special. You know the one where the boy wants to come over, and he tells you he loves you, and then that he will always have a special place for you in his heart. This followed by, well- you know- and then, "I want to be friends," and, "I need to call my Mom back. She's worried about me. I didn't tell her I'd be gone very long. She's afraid I'm going to do something to hurt myself." The only difference is- we're talking about adults in their 30's. Even more so- adults who made a committment to each other in marriage.
It's so hard for me to fathom the maturity of a 14-year-old in a 30-year-old body of a man. I can't understand coming home to my mother having dinner on the table for me, and telling me she'd wash my sheets if I wanted. I can't imagine having her feel my head for a fever when I'm sick, and making me drink chicken broth all day. I can't imagine not paying any bills, or taking any resposibility for my life. I can't fathom believing that if you tell your wife you'll always love her and she can call you anytime, and that you find her incredibly hot and will always be attracted to her, and that you're so sorry you're more committed to "Mary Jane" than you are to her, that you would actually believe she'd fall for it, and even more so want to spend even more of her precious time wasted on you. This isn't even to mention the three children she has that also loved and trusted you.
I find it hard to believe that June Cleaver would open her door back up with a smile to a 30-year-old Beave standing on her doorstep, smelling of a sweet odor and explaining that his marriage was over and he was moving in, again. I can't imagine her baking him a pie and asking if she could get him a cold drink. No- she and Ward would be so happy they have their home to themselves to do as they please after the boys left, that going back wouldn't be an option. She would've had enough of washing his clothes, ironing his shirts, fixing his every meal, and putting up with his friends, that she would be ready for a life of freedom. She would've hung up her heels and put on some Keds. She would be out traveling the country and moving on with her life. The life that comes after you've raised your kids. The love that comes from a long happy marriage. The fun that comes with an empty house.
I have three sons. Heaven knows, I love them with all of my heart. I live for them- and one day I will enjoy my time watching them grow and have families. I never want to keep them at any one age, because it's so exciting to me to see them learn and change, and blow my mind with their profound wisdom. I look forward to them becoming amazing men- maybe even husbands and fathers (I hope). When that time comes though, there won't be any moving home because, "I did something illegal and my wife made me leave." There won't be any paying of their bills for them because they don't want to be responsible. I'm not saying I won't help them out in a hard time if they need me and I have the means. I'm saying I will hold them accountable and responsible for themselves. If they commit to a woman and have children- or step-children, I will expect them to be honest and upright. I will expect them to take every action into consideration before doing it, as the world doesn't revolve around them. I will want them to be happy, don't get me wrong, and if someone is treating them badly, I don't want them to tolerate it. Yet, I also expect their actions to be right. I expect them to have standards for themselves that are respectful both of themselves and others on every plane: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There comes a time to grow up, and 30 isn't too young for that. Right, June?

Saturday, September 20, 2008

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

The answer is simple....lots of friends and alcohol!! I find myself facing my second divorce in three years- yikes...is this what Liz feels like? Although, if Liz has had my luck with men, I totally understand her track record. No one said it would be easy, but hey, why are some of us more prone than others to lose? The funny part is, my ex-husband number one is being so nice right now, it's scary! Never trust a nice ex-husband! It can only mean one thing....you know what I mean! Not interested!! My friends know to hand me a martini and offer me a place to stay so I don't drive and my kids can relax and play.
The kids, they are the ones I feel for. They, like me, trusted the soon-to-be ex. They are everything from confused, to angry, to just downright hurt. Their biological father is being kind to them. He called them and talked longer than he ever has to them, and now he is their hero. "Dad's really changed," one said to me. I silently nodded, not wanting to cause him any more disappointment in a man than he's had lately. "Dad's gonna get us haircuts and clothes next week." "Wow," I thought, "shouldn't he anyway?" Instead, I stay silent and nod. Why? I do it because it's for them. I can't bear to see them hurt and sad. No matter how I feel inside- I can't stand their hearts breaking, too. I bear a guilt of all I've put them through in the name of finding "love." If such a thing exists for me- I don't see it! I feel like I have no right to expect them to ever open their hearts to another man. Surely being alone for the next nine years for them isn't too much to pay to let them have peace. They didn't ask for all of this. They simply trusted my decisions, and those decisions have led us, again, to heartbreak.
So, what do I do for them? I fill their days with routines and people that they can be happy with- friends that love us, fun they don't expect, and as much "normalcy" as possible. When the end of the day comes, and I tuck them into bed and kiss them goodnight and tell them how proud I am of them, and they respond back, "I love you, Mom,"- I know I've made the right decision for them. No matter if I cry myself to sleep, and wake up at the time his alarm used to go off, or whether my big bed feels too big for me- I know deep down inside, beyond the pain and guilt I'm feeling, that I've done the right thing for them, because I do love them more than anything in this world.