Saturday, September 20, 2008

How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?

The answer is simple....lots of friends and alcohol!! I find myself facing my second divorce in three years- yikes...is this what Liz feels like? Although, if Liz has had my luck with men, I totally understand her track record. No one said it would be easy, but hey, why are some of us more prone than others to lose? The funny part is, my ex-husband number one is being so nice right now, it's scary! Never trust a nice ex-husband! It can only mean one thing....you know what I mean! Not interested!! My friends know to hand me a martini and offer me a place to stay so I don't drive and my kids can relax and play.
The kids, they are the ones I feel for. They, like me, trusted the soon-to-be ex. They are everything from confused, to angry, to just downright hurt. Their biological father is being kind to them. He called them and talked longer than he ever has to them, and now he is their hero. "Dad's really changed," one said to me. I silently nodded, not wanting to cause him any more disappointment in a man than he's had lately. "Dad's gonna get us haircuts and clothes next week." "Wow," I thought, "shouldn't he anyway?" Instead, I stay silent and nod. Why? I do it because it's for them. I can't bear to see them hurt and sad. No matter how I feel inside- I can't stand their hearts breaking, too. I bear a guilt of all I've put them through in the name of finding "love." If such a thing exists for me- I don't see it! I feel like I have no right to expect them to ever open their hearts to another man. Surely being alone for the next nine years for them isn't too much to pay to let them have peace. They didn't ask for all of this. They simply trusted my decisions, and those decisions have led us, again, to heartbreak.
So, what do I do for them? I fill their days with routines and people that they can be happy with- friends that love us, fun they don't expect, and as much "normalcy" as possible. When the end of the day comes, and I tuck them into bed and kiss them goodnight and tell them how proud I am of them, and they respond back, "I love you, Mom,"- I know I've made the right decision for them. No matter if I cry myself to sleep, and wake up at the time his alarm used to go off, or whether my big bed feels too big for me- I know deep down inside, beyond the pain and guilt I'm feeling, that I've done the right thing for them, because I do love them more than anything in this world.

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