Introspection

It seems as if everything I once believed in, is now just a burst bubble. I was having a conversation with my mother today about being true to one's self. It's amazing how much that has changed over time. I wanted to scream into the receiver- who I am now is not who you want me to be, and I'm okay with that. What I believe is not what she would hope. I just couldn't verbalize to her what I know would disappoint or devastate her. I am no longer naive enough to trust that even she won't let me down. That's just not the way life works. We are human and we fail sometimes. What I consider failure may differ from what you consider failure. We all have to live our own lives.

In searching my inner most thoughts, I've discovered some truths:

1) I am alone in almost every aspect of my life. I don't have someone waiting for me when I get home to make sure I walk in the door. I don't have someone to assist daily with parenting my sons. I don't have someone I can tell everything to. I don't have someone to share meals with that isn't dependent on me to feed them. I don't have someone to hold me after a bad day or love me for who I am. I don't need people as much as I once did. I am really alone. Part of me is okay with this. I've loved and lost very painfully, and I don't miss that hurt. The other part of me, though, is very lonely. I don't get to look forward to a future shared with someone. I will most likely die alone. I don't think I'm capable of ever believing in love again. It's because of this jaded view that I have settled for less. I've been willing to be the exact person I would judge the most. Why? Maybe because I feel I deserve it after making bad decisions. Maybe because it's easier than having to really care and risk getting hurt. Maybe it's because I know expecting someone to love me now is asking too much. Whatever the answer- I am alone.

2) I am tired of life the way it is. I am tired of every facet being a struggle. I am tired of taking a step forward only to be trompled and thrown back. I am really struggling with understanding why it is that some people get everything without any effort and then others of us have to struggle to survive. It's exhausting and I have to fight not becoming any more bitter than I see that I already am.

3) I am not the person I dreamed I would be. Once upon a time, I was this positive, naive, bouncy little creature. I thought everything would be peaceful and harmonic and all would be good with the world. I waited on everyone and I did everything to make people happy with me. I couldn't stand for anyone to be disappointed in me. I saw my future as a happily married mother, baking cookies, and helping with homework. I felt it was my duty to tolerate being mistreated by my husband, because that would be the "Godly" thing to do. You know, submission to the supreme being known as "man." If I prayed hard enough, things would change, I thought. If I didn't drink or cuss, things would go well. If I gave the church money, I wouldn't struggle financially. If I went to church every chance I got, joined every Bible Study and prayer group that I could fit into my schedule, and still spent time watching ministers on TV, somehow I could earn a better life. For 15 of my adult years I tried this. Nothing got better, though, only worse. On top of it, I faced new persecutions in the name of the Lord. It took several years to allow myself to get out of a horrible, abusive relationship. It's taken several more to adjust to the new hardships of being alone. I'm still in the process of dealing with all the anger I have because life hasn't turned out how I expected.

4) I am not sure how I feel about God right now. I have enough brainwashed guilt to keep me from saying I don't believe in Him, but enough bitterness to say I don't understand Him. God is love the Bible says, yet it seems that I have everything but that. It seems as though believers show everything but that. Even now, as I'm typing how I really feel, I am fearing a repercussion for even stating such thoughts. I can't help it, it's how I was raised. Punishment, doom, gloom, and destruction are the effects of such thoughts. On the flip side, fully believing doesn't seem to have any brighter an outcome. Instead it's full of testing and perseverance building experiences. Struggle after struggle after struggle and you still may never get to the Promised Land. Where's the love in that? Yet, I also have to admit there have been moments where I know it was divine intervention that either protected me or someone I loved. It was divine intervention that caused my ex not to see me hiding from him just a few feet away in plain sight. I believe it was divine intervention that saved my life that night.

5) I am really tired of people who don't keep their word. One's word is all they have. Integrity means everything. Don't say something unless you mean it. Don't lead me to believe something if you have no intentions of fulfilling it. Don't make promises you can't or won't keep. I don't have the luxury of depending on someone's word, only to be let down, without it having negative consequences. If you say it, I believe you and I depend on you. You don't owe me anything, but if you promise me something, I expect you to keep your word. Otherwise, don't even say it.

Being real, being honest, being open, is frightful at best. I have been all of that tonight. Don't judge me for stating my own personal truths. Don't expect me to change them to suit you, either. I am being true to myself, who I am, at this very moment.

Happy Valentine's Day to Me

This is only the second Valentine's Day in 19 years that I have spent alone without someone to send silly intimate messages to, go to dinner with, get flowers from, and snuggle up to at night. Both of them being the February after my December divorces. The difference this year is that I woke up this morning to my dog Harry being super silly and making me smile first thing, knowing the day was mine to do whatever I wanted, and saying to myself this year I am going to be my own Valentine. All the love I would want from someone else today, I decided to give to myself. I made myself coffee with a favorite creamer in it, turned on the iTunes I love the most, stayed in my PJ's and did laundry, checked out FB, chatted with a few friends, received a Valentine's wish from someone close in the same boat (no not an ex), played on the floor with the dogs, took a nap, and made myself a whole tray of my favorite addictive candy right now- candied pecans which I intend to eat while reading a book tonight. It's amazing how peaceful my day has been. I feel content.

No- there were no flower deliveries like there were for others at work. No- there were no chocolates. No- I didn't get any Valentines in the mail. Yet, I realized the biggest loves of my life, who were having a weekend with their father (and I'm okay with that), are the heart of me. Even more I need to be the heart of me! I need to make for myself what I would want them to make for themselves. It doesn't take someone else to make me special. I already am. Not that I don't need friends or relationships that are close, but I don't have to have a significant other.

It's funny, I heard from my ex-husband twice today. He stood up for me with my sons yesterday after a really bad day with them, and he kept his word and gave me the paperwork I need to renegotiate child support. He didn't try to pull me into getting back with him, but he told me about who he is dating. He let me know he wants to help out more financially here for the boys. He offered to write me a check Sunday until we get all of the terms negotiated with support. He is going to take our son to baseball practice for at least the next month, and hopefully after, if they start late enough for him to get up here. It made me happy to see that maybe he was going to be there more for the boys. He spent today with our sons and his parents instead of leaving the boys home alone and going out for the first time in months. This was the best gift to me to know my boys weren't left alone again while there. It brought me peace that I could enjoy my downtime this weekend. After all of this, I realized I was relieved to have my freedom. I was happy that my relationship with him could be on a different level than significant other, and focus on the boys.

I've thought of the past year, and all the difficulties, and was thankful that some of those difficulties were no longer my worry. I get to focus on how I want my household to run, where I want to go professionally and educationally without someone else's input, I can do kind and charitable things if I want to, and I can reconnect with old friends and laugh at moments that still are funny when recalled. I've stopped searching for love, and have instead sought the love of those I already have in my world. I can celebrate that my dearest friends do have that amazing kind of love to share with someone special. I know how important they and their significant others are to me, and how much I love them!! So I say, "Happy Valentine's Day," to them and to myself!!

Sorry after 21 Years....

One of the amazing things about online sites where you can get reacquainted with people you haven't seen in years is that you get the chance to say as an adult things you wish you had said in younger years. In this case, "I'm sorry for...," whatever it was you did to hurt someone else. This in no way means to excuse the actual harm that was done, it means letting maturity acknowledge that you wish you hadn't done what you did. There is no mandate stating that forgiveness must be granted, but having the one who wronged you actually acknowledge their role does matter.

Let me start with a story from my own life where I did the wronging to set the scene for what happened tonight. In my own life, I wanted so badly to apologize to a girl whom I had hurt deeply. I went to a Christian school that was just getting going, and many of the things that would be no big deal in a public school were major issues at this private school. The truth is, I was jealous that my best friend my Junior year, Angie, was becoming closer to the new girl, Sarah, than to me. I knew Sarah needed friends, and truthfully, they had more to relate to in each other than I did to them, as their lives growing up were similarly difficult. I was feeling like the oddball out. At the same time, I began hanging around with some friends who didn't like Sarah much, and began spreading stories around about her- some true and some exaggerated. I didn't at this point do any spreading, but I listened and laughed or began to harbor the information internally for later use.

When Sarah began dating the boy who had just broken up with me, my jealousy just increased with their happiness. A letter was found between the two of them, and its contents became public knowledge around the school. The Administrative Staff felt it necessary to take the occasion as an oppurtunity to separate the 9-12th grade boys and girls for a three hour discussion on "appropriate behaviors between young Christian couples." At this point in my life I was the biggest "tease" in attendance. Guys knew I wouldn't do things with them, but I knew exactly what to do, how to walk, when to stretch, and how to give a certain look to attract their attention. I could make them believe I was interested in activities I had no intention of actually participating in. I was 5' 8 1/2" tall, weighing 125 lbs.- taller, thinner, and built more well-endowed than most of the girls. As guys caught on to the fact that I was only a "tease," their interest faded and they sought girls who would participate. Instead of dating these guys, I became best friends with several of them. This gave me a place the other girls didn't have, and the oppurtunity to hear exactly what the guys were thinking.

Through this, Sarah became a target. One day, I was walking with my guy friends and we passed Sarah on the steps. Winter was upon us, and we bagan to say, "Ho Ho Ho- Merry Christmas!" We knew this wouldn't be strange to the administration, but Sarah would get the point. After all the fuss that had been raised over the letter between she and her boyfriend, and comments being made already about her by others, our jesting was the final straw, and she burst into sobbing tears and ran into the office. My friends though it was funny, but I immediately felt a pang of immense guilt inside. I knew we had just hurt her deeply, but instead of feeling triumphant or justified, I felt awful! Of course, I didn't say this to my friends because I wanted their acceptance.

I didn't see much of Sarah after that. She would come to school on some days and stay home on others. She withdrew from everyone except for Angie. The next year Sarah didn't return. After I graduated the next year, I left and never looked back. I didn't keep contact with most of the people I knew. A couple of years later, I ran into Angie and she gave me an update on both she and Sarah. At the mention of Sarah, I would have flashbacks to that moment on the stairs of the school. Too proud to say anything about feeling bad or apologizing, I let it go.

More time passed, and then about five years ago, Angie called me. I hadn't heard from her in years, but she turned to me at this particular moment.

"Sarah's dead," she said.

"What?" I responded.

"It's complicated," she continued, "but they rushed her to St. Luke's Northland in Kansas City, and she died. Things weren't going well in her life. Her little girls are with her mother, as they have no one else."

I took a deep breath and all the guilt poured out in tears, "I am so sorry!"

I knew I meant this in so many ways. I was sorry to Angie for losing her friend, I was sorry to Sarah for never being a big enough person to apologize, and most of all I was sorry that Sarah's life was gone so young. If only I hadn't said what I had to break her, then maybe she'd have gone a different path in life. I was unable to attend her service, but was able to arrange for beautiful flowers in her honor to be sent for Angie, to know that I supported her and cared. It was the only gift I could give to Sarah at this point, too. I asked if I could do anything for the girls, and asked Angie to keep me updated on things. I told Angie about the horrible thing I had said to Sarah, and how I wished I could take it back. I told her how I had for years wanted to apologize to Sarah but hadn't. Now it was too late, and all because of my pride.

I haven't heard much from Angie since then, but I've never gotten over the guilt and I have used this as an example in my life for taking caution and care in my actions and words to not cause pain. I wish I had said, "I'm sorry, Sarah. I was a jerk. Please forgive me!" I wish she had known that I meant every word of it before she had died.

I tell this story to set up tonight's story. Late last night I was reacquainted with someone who had hurt me both emotionally and physically my Sophomore year, at a different Christian school. He was a Senior, and I was smitten with the idea of having an older guy for a boyfriend. I was willing to tolerate being mistreated, not only by him, but his best friend, as well. They would slap me across the face and say mean things as they walked by my cubicle. Then, he would be kind and want to take me out. It was always a yo-yo of behaviors.

On one such occasion, I had begged my parents to let me go with him to get stereo speakers at the mall, and then to his mom's house to hang out. They had hesitantly agreed, as I had convinced them that things would be fine, and we wouldn't do anything we shouldn't. We did go to the mall, and stop by to see his mom shortly, but then we went and picked up his best friend. At this point, he changed into a bully. They drove me to a neighborhood I really wasn't familiar with and knew no one in. All I knew was that it was a dangerous neighborhood. They drove to a school that had an unlit playground. They pulled me from the car and tied me to the domed jungle gym. They slapped me and told me they were going to rape me. I began to cry and was terrified. This made them laugh. I begged them not to hurt me, and they said they would leave me alone tonight, but that they were going to leave me tied up there for whomever came along. It was so dark, I could hardly see the houses. I was shaking and sobbing. At that time cell phones weren't in, so I had no way to contact my family and tell them where I was. They got in the car and drove away. They were gone for about five minutes, and then they reappeared and untied me and shoved me in the front seat between them. They told me that I had better not tell anyone or they would really rape me next time, and tell all my friends things. I cried and promised not to. They drove me around until I calmed down, and then dropped me off at home, where I was forced to kiss this acquaintance goodnight.

My parents were already in bed asleep when I crept in and climbed the stairs to my room. I tried avoiding seeing anyone so that I wouldn't have to talk about the night. I believed the threats they had made. I never told my parents what happened. My dad would have retaliated with violence.

I never asked to go anywhere with this particular guy again, but his buddy was my daily ride to school. He enjoyed taunting me about it and I could say nothing. They would continue to walk by me at school and slap me when the adults weren't around. School ended shortly after that for the year and they graduated. I decided not to return to that school.

How does this all play into the first story? Tonight, after 21 years, this particular acquaintance apologized to me for how he had treated me back then. He shared that he was a husband and father of a son that he wanted to set a good example for. He hadn't had a father around growing up. See, I realized that he was carrying around the guilt of his actions for 21 years, and I could understand that need to apologize. I understood the sincerity of his adult apology, and because of this I could say to him, "I forgive you for anything that happened back then."

He got the chance to apologize before it was too late, and because I understood both his guilt and the need for grace, I could forgive him tonight.....after 21 years.

IDA- or Internet Daters Anonymous

Sometimes life allows us to learn a lesson more than once. This would fall in the category of Internet Dating for me. With my divorce behind me, I decided to check out a popular dating website under the advisement of one of my ex-husbands. Now, that should have been my first clue, let alone I had no luck with it 3 years ago when I tried it. Anyhow, my curiosity was peaked to check out how my ex was selling himself on the site, but in order to do so I had to create my own profile. So, after doing so, I began to receive notices of interested men. Most over the age of 52, but some closer to my own.
One, in particular I decided to give a chance to, because he noticed and liked my profile before I posted my photo on it. So, we began to e-mail, and eventually talk on the phone. He seemed nice enough, and after several hours of phone conversation, he asked if he could take me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. I agreed, not sure how it would be, but a bit excited. I allowed him to come pick me up, for which my girlfriends cringed. I know this wasn't the brightest idea, but I tend to lose my personal wisdom when I get into these situations.
So, he came down last Saturday and picked me up around 2pm, and we headed out to Christmas shop for my kids and his nephews. After battling through long lines struggling to different stores to find the one item I needed, I succeeded at finishing shopping and we headed to my house to drop the items off before dinner. On the way through a nearby movie theater parking lot, this particular male thought it would be a great idea to take off across the ice in his little truck and do donuts. Now, I get car sick, and I haven't done donuts since high school. I grabbed the "Oh Crap" handles in the truck and though to myself, "What the $%#*?" He's spinning us around at top speed, hitting intermediate dry spots, and heading for posts. When he looks at me, I say nothing. He said, "Most people that terrifies." I said, "I have kids for that." So, we drove on home, me shaking my head in disbelief at what had just occurred on our first date.
So, we head to dinner, and he ordered a Jack and Coke to get started and I ordered tea. He ordered soup and I ordered salad and we split fried raviolis. I was sitting with my hands down in my lap between bites, straight up, and trying to be polite. He, on the other hand, had his elbows on the table and getting to the bottom of the soup, picked the bowl up to drink every last drop from it. He began to comment on how I was sitting there so proper. He also began talking about how he never thought he'd find someone online like me, and how, if I am who he thinks I am, we'd be a great fit. He babbled on about how he's enjoyed our phone conversations- which had been funny and enjoyable to me at times. I nodded and continued eating.
He ordered a second Jack and Coke and informed me not to worry and that he could still drive, as it doesn't affect him much. He also mentioned the lack of alcohol in my home, and how his looks like a bar when you walk in because he has such a variety on hand. I take a mental note of this, as alcohol and men in my life have never mixed well.
We had a conversation on ballroom dancing earlier in the day, for which he had taken a few lessons in the past, and wanted us to sign up to do this on a regular basis every Friday. This went along with his trying to give me a hands on lesson in waltzing that was awkward, at best. After he sought out our waitress and I ordered dessert, we finished up and headed to the movies. When we walked in the door of the movie theater, I noticed a friend I've known for a long time standing there. I say hello, almost relieved to see a friendly face. In the meantime, my date decided I need to be led off to our seats. After walking down the hall toward our designated theater, he grabs me by the hands and tries to make me practice waltzing again right in front of other movie-goers in the hallway. I stop him, giggle nervously, and walk in the direction of our movie. "You don't embarrass easily, do you?" he asked. I didn't comment.
Through out the evening I talked about my life, my kids, and my world. He listened and asked questions, followed by presumptuous comments about, "I would be a little nervous to watch them alone." "I wouldn't do that," I said back, although I know he didn't understand that he didn't have a chance of being left alone with my kids ever. We watched a movie that I picked upon his request that I pick one, and he commented on how he didn't like it at all and next time he got to pick the movie. I shook my head and shrugged.
After the movie, we headed to my home. He drove crazy the whole way, backing out uncontrollably of parking spots, and speeding down the road. When we got home, we went in to talk and watch "Shall We Dance," a distraction, I figured. While we were sitting there, he looked at my Christmas tree, for which I only had lights on due to my dogs, and commented on how it needed an angel. He went on to say how it could be "our" new tradition to have the angel on the top of the tree, and maybe my son could put it on this year. Then, he decided that he should be the one to put the angel on my tree to start a future with me. Now, inside, my mind was rolling on a hundred miles a minute at how this man was assuming he was going to be in my life permanently, and just the idea of him planning anything for me and for traditions for my family made me draw back and my heart race with fear.
He went on to say how he was going to build a house in two years, but that it would only be in his name, and the lady in his life would have her own finances and no part of the house. (This, too, sounding like a previous life experience with my first ex.) He went on to reveal how, though divorced, he has never lived with a woman ever. Apparently he got married to a 17-year old when he was 23, and he joined the military and was sent off to Germany before they even got to stay together. She divorced him while he was out of the country. The only other woman he had had in his life was a co-worker last year. He revealed his lack of a sex life, and went on to comment about maybe someday he would break his streak. Now, I don't like hurting people's feelings, so I just sat there without commenting, and feeling uncomfortable.
Before he went back to his home, he wanted to run by a store, so I went with him. He wanted to look for the angel, and even commented on how the ones he saw were not going to be it, as he didn't like them. I was dumbfounded that he was stating what kind of angel would be on MY tree. This was not going over well for me! As we pulled up in my driveway, he noticed my house, and was asking about things. I commented on repairs I needed to do, and he stated that he could do them for me with tools he had- another presumption that he was going to be around. I reluctantly pecked him and got out of the car to enter the safety of my home relieved.
My friend called to ask how it went, and I began to tell her some of the experiences of the date, for which she laughed. In the meantime, he texted me that he wanted to go out again sometime. I got online to check my e-mail, and apparently he was online spying on me, because he called to say that I was online right then checking out other guys according to the dating website we met on. The funny thing was, I wasn't, but the site registered my e-mail address to send a notification of when I was signed in to that particular browser, not just the website. I stated I wasn't and he began to argue with me that it said I was. This sent major red flags up for me.
My friend informed me that I needed an intervention for which I laughed and said we could start "IDA- Internet Dating Anonymous"- a 12 step program to getting over internet dating with safety rules to follow and an agreement that my girlfriend get to screen any profiles first, if I even decided to ever try it again! I still have about 3 men relentlessly trying to connect with me- the oldest being a 56-year-old local college professor. Oye Vay!!

Expendable body parts...

Do you ever wonder why we need certain body parts that seem to be expendable in the long run? Like tonsils, adenoids, gall bladders, and appendixes. Now, I've had my appendix removed long ago, but my tonsils and adenoids are still there. Tonight my left tonsil is swollen and red and sore. My sinus cavities are burning, and I really want to just rid myself of eardrums, tonsils, and nasal passages. I have spent two weeks fighting off one cold or another, even though I've been exercising and taking vitamins. Last night, I was feeling great. This morning, I woke up feeling like my throat was ten times its size on the left, my ear aching, and I have no relief from the constant pain it is causing. It makes me wonder why it is we have tonsils? What do they do exactly that can't be done without them? I have tried hot beverages for relief, and salt solutions. Nothing is taming the fire! Even worse, I can't cry and have someone come take care of it!! I'm mom after all, and I take care of everyone else. So, in my discomfort, I've laid on the couch pondering the reason for having such parts. They seem to cause misery when things go wrong with them, but when they're gone we can go on without them. (Hmmmm...sounds like my ex-husbands.) Maybe their purpose is to teach us life lessons? ;)

Ode to My Flannel PJ's

Flannel PJ's, I love you so.
You keep me warm, whether rain or snow.
You are so cute with your coffee cup decor.
I don't care what the neighbors think when I answer the door.
Please never wear out, PJ's, or fray.
For that would be the saddest day.
I love you, Flannel PJ's, yes I do.
Forget sexy lace, it's to you I'm true.

In My Pocket

There's a song out that I love. It's by Sam Sparro, and it's called "Pocket." You really have to listen to it. It's basically based on the old saying about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Well, that's what I'm doing, but I have a suspicion that it's being done to me, too. I'm talking about my ex-husband and I. You see, I'm being very nice and cooperative with him right now, and well, he bought us a treadmill for no reason. I suspect that he did this because child support is coming up for review and he wants to tell the judge he did this kind gesture instead of taking his kids out one night a week for the past three years, or spending his 3 weeks of possible vacation time annually with them actually with them. I suspect that the fact that he has a new job, isn't paying maintenance, and doesn't have to pay for any of the over-the-counter medicines my kids daily need but insurance won't cover, is making him nervous about the 3-year review of our case. Knowing how his mind works, I suspect he thinks he can now buy himself out of more support. I, on the other hand, see this donation to us as a gift. He opted to give us a nice gift right before Christmas. After all, we can't eat or wear the treadmill. So, when we're hungry and naked walking on it, he thinks he's a hero. Funny, I didn't see that as an option on the child support form. I wonder if the judge will? Anyhow, for now, I'm being kind to my enemy, so that creates less stress in my world. After all, I know what will be hitting the fan soon enough, and how difficult that time is going to be. So, I'll catch my breath, enjoy the peace, and know deep down I don't trust him anymore today than I did the day I divorced him.